A tribal tale of tribulation and retribution

A harrowing tale of the Ephraimite Two-House Fantasy and its ultimate consequences.

Illustrative image - Inuit in a kayak, c. 1929 (Photo by Edward S. Curtis via Wikimedia Commons)

Kampa-chewa was an intuitive and naive native nitwit of the Inuits of northern Alaska. He was the great-great-grandson of Kowalo-kampula, who was the first immediate convert of his people to Christianity, in exchange for a free jug of firewater and a Bible, by the first missionary in his frozen wasteland on a northern peninsula.  There he raised his offspring on firewater and Christianity, which devoutly trickled on down through the generations unto Kampa-chewa.

One day Kampa-chewa was digging through the garbage bin outside a fish restaurant near his igloo and found a tract wrapped around some decomposing whale blubber, and unfolded it in curiosity. By candle light inside the igloo he read in the tract, written by Ephraim of the Ephraimites, that Gentile Christians were actually in fact the Lost Tribes of Israel mentioned in the Good Book and, like his great-great- grandfather Kowalo-kampula, immediately believed and converted.  Of the twelve Lost Tribes he felt decisively that he must be from Zebulun and, as the tract said, he could now go to the Holy Land and claim his rightful inheritance. Besides, it said in that tract that the tract of real estate of Holy Turf was sunny and warm most of the year, and that sounded like the Promised Land after all.

Kampa-chewa soon arrived in the Promised Land to claim his rightful inheritance, but was stopped at the Ben-Gurion airport by immigration police, who asked him what exactly he was doing in Israel, to which he replied the above, and showed them the soiled tract. The smell of decomposing whale blubber was enough to raise suspicion in the agents, and they took him aside and grilled him in an undisclosed cold-storage locker, to make the sweating new arrival feel more comfortable.

He carefully explained to the agents how he was divinely shown that he is from the Tribe of Zebulun, and how he was now coming back here after thousands of years, most of those being lived as a line of Inuits and Eskimos in Alaska.  The agents looked on with interest, and broke out laughing.  They then contacted the Minister of the Interior to explain, and was told that he already had the quota of returning Zebulunites, thank you, and dismissed the agents with case closed and to send him back to Alaska.

This displeased Kampa-chewa very much, and angered him enough to wish for firewater to douse his kindled inner flames. He asked the agents what tribe they were from, and they said they had no idea, to which he decried them as charlatans, anti-Semites and bigots. Then he asked the agents if they believed in Jesus, to which they replied, Sir, we are Jews. Then Kampa-chewa informed them that they are therefore antichrists, to which they took him by the elbows and led him back to the returning Air Alaska flight.

On the flight back to the cold of the far north, Kampa-chewa meditated on ways to conjure and exact revenge for his rude rejection, such as by writing his own explicit tracts explaining how the current inhabitants of the State of Israel are actually not the real Jews, but illegitimate in that they themselves admitted to him that they have no idea as to from which tribe they had come, if any.  But he would first write to Ephraim of the Ephraimites to explain his rejection, and to seek wisdom from that wise guru who had so enlightened him- and many others- as to his true new identity in the Lost House of Israel.

Previous articleVIDEO: Shema Israel
Next articleNetanyahu thanks Congress as 10-year defense aid package kicks in
Elhanan ben-Avraham, born in 1945, is a professional artist, poet, writer and father of two, grandfather of four, living in Israel since 1979. He has served in the IDF, taught the Bible internationally, published five illustrated books of poetry, painted two large Biblical murals in public buildings in Jerusalem, and most recently produced THE JERUSALEM ILLUSTRATED BIBLE, among many other works. He and his wife live in a quiet village in the Mountains of Judah.