Israeli child takes over UN, promises sweeping reforms

Special Satirical Purim Report

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United Nations General Assembly hall in New York City. (Photo: Patrick Gruban/Wikimedia Commons)

The UN General Assembly called an emergency session on Friday in the wake of an official American decision to totally boycott the global body. In financial terms, the severed ties will result in the drop of more than $2 billion in the 2017 UN budget. As a result, it was announced that beginning March 20, all 70,000 positions in the UN entities worldwide will become voluntary.

Secretary General António Guterres handed in his immediate resignation, and it is expected that all salaried UN staff will follow suit.

However, Guterres stressed that his successor, four-year-old Eliyav Mishehu of Jerusalem, will be ideal for the post, quoting the UN’s stated position expressed in January that “putting youth in leadership positions always pays off.”

In response to widespread complaints among delegates about an Israeli leading the United Nations, Guterres reminded them that the UN has never recognized Jerusalem as part of Israel, citing this as another factor favoring Mishehu. “Having spent his entire life in a city not belonging to any nation, Mr. Mishehu is a true citizen of the world. Kind of like the Pope, except I think he might not be Catholic.”

Mishehu and his parents granted an exclusive interview with KNI, explaining how this historic chain of events came about.

We asked the new Secretary General when he first thought of bidding for the leadership of this prestigious institution. “Well…” he began, swiveling the office chair rhythmically and looking at his father, “I don’t know what ‘press TEE-just’ means. But ever since I heard my Savta [Hebrew for grandmother] say that a four-year-old could run the UN better than the people who run it now, I thought she must mean me. ‘Cause I’m four. And I can run fast.”

After mulling over the idea, Mishehu then talked his family into taking a trip to New York to tour UN headquarters. Eliyav’s parents said they had no idea of the financial crisis threatening the global body, or of their son’s ambitions; they simply thought the experience would be educational. But while they were having coffee in the visitors’ center, the boy slipped upstairs. He was able to walk past the security checkpoints, which were already abandoned due to the budget cuts.

He somehow found his way to the Secretary General’s floor, where he encountered Mr. Guterres coming out the door of his office. According to  a highly placed source which requested anonymity, Eliyav confronted the UN leader with the words, “You’re not doing stuff right!” Guterres replied, “You’re the first person to ever say it in quite those words, and although it cuts me deeply, I can’t deny it. Oh, what the hay…. I was going to quit anyway, so the job is yours if you want it.”

The parents meanwhile realized that Eliyav was missing; they located him after a prolonged search through the building. They were initially skeptical about his account of events, but after speaking to Mr. Guterres themselves, they expressed their support for the appointment. Mrs. Mishehu remarked that Eliyav had been complaining of boredom at his preschool. “I think this activity might hold his attention longer.”

The father speculated that, given the high cost of after-school activities in Israel, they might inquire about a second UN post for Eliyav’s two-year-old brother, Amir. “He already has a way with words,” agreed the mother; whereupon the new UN leader appointed Amir Mishehu as UN Director of Communications.

Eliyav, whose IQ is clearly above that of the average UN official, went on to outline his vision for a new United Nations. The details he shared were indeed revolutionary compared with current UN policy. “Everybody needs to do like me: Share your toys, don’t hit your little brother, and say ‘please’ when you want something. Oh, and you have to always tell the truth. Otherwise you get a time-out and have to sit in the corner chair until you say ‘sorry’.”

Secretary General Mishehu also had a solution for filling the vacancies left by thousands of stampeding UN workers, who were not interested in volunteering. “All the kids in preschool are four, and some are even five,” he noted.

The coincidence of the date which inaugurates this radical UN reform has prompted US observers to call the move, “UN Spring”, while European media are favoring the name, “Blooming Nonsense”. In Eliyav’s home country, however, the close proximity to the Jewish holiday of Purim was noted as a likely source for the story.

Happy Purim from Kehila News Israel!